Things I've Learned About Divorce!

Hello,

3 weeks from today will be my one year anniversary of my divorce being final. (Again marriage is ours and divorce is mine.) The time has flown by fast. Looking back there are some things I would change and some things I wouldn't change at all. First of all I wouldn't change us getting a divorce. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say and ending our marriage was the right decision. My ex said we didn't have a lot in common and that we weren't friends. Both of which was true. In fact, someone asked me the other day how did we get together? I thought about it and honestly didn't have a good answer for her.

Obviously I'm telling the hotties up front that we need to have things in common and be friends. I cannot oversell how important those things are. IMHO those things are even more important than attraction. Although attraction and chemistry are very important as well. Some people I've talked to say that chemistry can grow. I don't know if I agree with that. Even if it can, a couple still needs a lot of chemistry to have a successful relationship. Chemistry is a good foundation, but a lot of hard work has to go into what you build on that foundation.

As I was going through my daily therapy session, exercising while listening to my iPod, I came up with a list of several things I learned from my divorce. Please don't repeat my mistakes. To be up front, my thoughts are based on being a member of the LDS Church. These tips might not work for everybody. Also anything in here is not directed towards my ex-wife. No one else is responsible for the mistakes I made.

1) The most obvious thing is time, there has to be some time to heal from a divorce. There's no way of getting around that. Most people told me it takes at least a year to recover, my therapist says there's not a magic time frame. Obviously for everyone it's different. I was trying to save the marriage for a month or two after my ex told me she wanted a divorce. So I didn't start my recovery until I completely gave up on the marriage. With her knowing the marriage was over before I did, her recovery probably started earlier.

I've completed 49 weeks of recovery, nearing the possibly magic year mark, but I'm still recovering. I'm still working through some things. I'm tentatively back in the dating scene. I have found that dating setbacks also serve as setbacks in the divorce recovery.

Also there's no reason to try and rush the recovery. First of all it can't be rushed. Second of all you need to be a lot more healthy when your next marriage starts.

2) I'd suggest people should wait for at least a year before dating. Again it goes back to recovering and rediscovering who you are. Now did I go a year without dating, no. My first date was 12 days after my divorce was finalized. I've been on a few dates but nothing has advanced beyond the very early stages of a relationship. That's a good thing because I wasn't ready for any kind of dating relationship. Once you start dating don't focus is on one individual too quickly. You need to date several people, that's a good way of not falling into bad habits.

At this point I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship. That kind of self knowledge comes from having patience. I also suggest a person who has been divorced for a year or beyond to not rush in a relationship with someone who's been divorced for less than a year. For that first year of divorce one is screwed up and they don't realize how much they are screwed up.

3) Tied in with the above suggestion, resist the urge to get physical. While that may give you some temporary pleasure, it actually only holds one back. It just adds one more thing to the things you have to work on. Plus you've involved someone else in your life.

4) Work on yourself, let what you've learned from the divorce be a blueprint of going forward. Although this isn't the way that most people want to start over, that's exactly what a divorce forces you to do. Invest in yourself, do some soul searching, expand your interests, have friends and go out and do things with them.

5) Counseling, the best thing I did following the divorce. It's made me a much better person and helped me through the divorce a lot more than I would have on my own.

6) Acknowledge your mistakes and yes you made some. Consider your weaknesses a blessing. Not only do they keep you humble, but they give you things to work on. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Everyone gets divorced for a reason.

7) Minimize the fallout on the kids as much as possible.

Also for those of you who use music to help with therapy, here's the artists you should listen to. Patsy Cline for those of you trying to recover from the pain of a divorce. I think the following song says it all:



The above song describes the pain of a divorce very well, although many divorces don't involve someone else breaking it up. That wasn't the cause of my divorce. Thank goodness as that just adds another layer of pain.

The following song talks about the hindsight of 20/20. Also how divorce that is so painful to you actually might be good for you. This song is written by someone who's had experience with relationships ending:



Thanks to elyrics.net for the following:

Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath
I felt if I was in way to deep, guess I let you get the best of me

Well, I never saw it coming, I should have started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces, spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls, dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away, there was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see that you never were the best for me

Well, I never saw it coming, I should have started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces, spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

Well, I never saw it coming, I should have started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

Well, I never saw it coming, I should have started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And ow I'm picking up the pieces, spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

Well, I'm putting my heart back together
'Cause I got over you and I got over you
And I got over you

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

And this is what you are for holding on to a relationship that everyone can see is dead, but you:



themusicaddict