My wife and I are going through a divorce right now and unfortunately it's starting to get ugly. However for the record I want to say I love my wife still very much and I always will. We both also love our 4 kids as well. This is not a rip on my wife blog, this is the journey of an extremely painful divorce blog. I also write about music every once-in-a-while.
The only thing worse than getting than getting divorced, if one dies at least they find peace, is doing something to make it worse. Unfortunately I've done that something. No there was no adultery (other than my wife, daughter and Mom few women even recognize my presence on this Earth) or physical abuse. I'm going to tell you just so you won't over think it. I logged into my soon-to-be-ex-wife's e-mail account because I got bored and curious. I didn't see anything of a personal nature. I sent her an e-mail this morning apologizing for my behavior. I also sent her an im that simply said "olive branch". (This would be a good time to go change your passwords and you should probably change them at least once a month.)
This morning I've been kicking myself for my stupidity and mourning the loss of my marriage to one of the most amazing women I've ever met. My wife is also a blogger, but she doesn't blog as much as me. However she actually wrote a blog yesterday, here it is:
"I was thinking this morning about my life and how different I had envisioned it from how it is now. It’s so surreal, scary, sad, and exciting all at the same time. I see this one chapter of my life ending, and it seems so unbelievable that this is where we’ve ended up. There’s been so much emotion over the last month or so since the separation – at times I feel hopeful, at other times hopeless. Sometimes I feel angry, sad, hurt, and extremely let down by some of the people I thought I could always count on. All I can do is move forward, and have faith in the future God has in store for me and my kids. I can’t control the actions of others, but I can control my actions, and am choosing to treat people with dignity and respect as much as I am able. I’ve made some mistakes in all of this, but all I can do is move forward from here and try not to repeat those same mistakes.
What worries me the most in all of this is my kids…they are always the ones that suffer the most in a divorce, and I am trying to make this as painless as possible for them. I was hoping that we’d be able to stay in our home for the sake of my kids, but it’s looking like that isn’t going to happen, at least not long term. My oldest is very upset, but the others seem to be taking it ok. It’s not something we need to worry about right away, and I will keep them here as long as I possibly can. It’s bad enough for their parents to be getting a divorce, but having to move on top of it all is even harder for them.
I was talking to my kids this morning about the divorce and making sure they know that none of it is their fault, and that both their father and I love them very much. I was talking to them about the possibility of their father and I dating other people, asking if that seemed strange to them, but none of them thought it was weird, but it feels weird to me. I asked them why it didn’t seem weird to them, and both Madison and Matthew said they have friends who’s parents are divorced and date or are remarried to other people, so they know it happens. My response was, “Ya, but it’s still sad when your parents get divorced.” Madison’s one request is to find someone with a daughter because she really wants a sister.
I’ve been thinking about the summer trips we have planned so far. I’m excited to get away with the kids even though the first one isn’t until mid-June. I think our trips will be shorter this year because I’m taking classes summer semester. I really would like a break, but I would also really like to get done with school, plus it will keep my mind busy. Just three part-time semesters left."
She's going to make some other man a very happy man and I'm going to be incredibly jealous. I predict she will be remarried by the end of this year. She has much more going for her than me including she's such an amazing looking woman. The following picture doesn't do her true justice.
Dear future husband of S, please love her and take care of her much better than me. Also please be nice to and love our wonderful kids. For me I'm going into my next marriage with my eyes opened and mouth shut. I'll never ever intentionally mistreat one of our Heavenly Father's angels again.
She has an amazing writing ability, I always did encourage her to work on that talent. She doesn't update her blog as much as I do, but you can read it always at:
http://thediaryofacrazywoman.com/
I went to see a family law attorney the other day and he recommended we go see a marriage counselor. I thought that was a great idea. I know this marriage is beyond saving, however I think counseling would be good so we can work better together the rest of this divorce and on wards. The lawyer also suggested to take a bit longer to think about things, which I'm going to do. But to honor my wife's request I still plan on moving the divorce to its finality asap.
My wife thinks I'm just dragging out the marriage in hopes of saving it. That's not the case as I know this marriage is dead. It's probably been dead for quite awhile. The lawyer very frankly told me to wait on this divorce until I "pulled my head out of my ass". Literally that's what he said. He recognized the apathy I'm dealing with and how I've given up. He's right I didn't have a whole bunch of fight in me. However what he said made perfect sense and I'm going to wait awhile to see if I can get to a place where I can make some better decisions.
My wife is used to me rolling over dead, she didn't like that I might have an opinion that's different than hers. She says she only wants to talk to me now when we are discussing what time I'm going to be picking up the kids. The next two weeks I'll be working 55 hours plus so that will be a good time for us to give each other space. In fact other than seeing her a few minutes later today, we probably will hardly talk this whole week.
My goal is when the divorce is final that I will find someone even more amazing than S that will make me completely forget about her. Mysterious someone I hope you are out there and you can help me shorten the recovery time. If not there's probably still about 11 months of recovery time.
FYI: I'll be working about 59 hours this week so my blog postings will be severely limited- for which the soon-to-be-ex is probably breathing a sigh of relief.
themusicaddict
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