"Dim", "RVM"

Hello,

My wife and I are going through a divorce right now. For the record I want to say I love my wife and always will. We both also love our 4 kids as very much as well. This isn't a rip on my wife blog, this is the journey of an very painful divorce blog. My wife is a great woman but she's not perfect. I do have some frustrations with her. This is a divorce I didn't want but she couldn't wait to kick me to the curb. I also write about music every once-in-a-while :)

I've worked the first 10 of 12 eleven hour shifts. I now have the weekend off to rest up for my final two 11 hour shifts. I also will be able to see my kids and dogs today. I also have a library book to pick up. It's a nice spring day also. I'm not sure which of my kids will be hanging out with me today, but we are going to go eat. I go to a different ward than the one they are used to, they feel uncomfortable going to my ward. For most of the time they should be able to come here on Fridays, that usually won't be a problem.

The divorce has been slowed down due to the fact that I've worked 114 hours the last couple of weeks. This next week I'm only working 36 hours, hopefully everything can get back on course this week. My first priority is to get in and see my counselor this week. I'm also going to try and see the lawyer this week. I'm guessing the divorce should be final in about a month.

Last week I had the feeling that my wife was changing her mind about the divorce. In order for us to avoid one of those 10 years down the road situations where I wished I had asked her straight out asked her about her feelings I just asked her straight out. She again confirmed to me that the decision for the divorce is the one for her.

I had started moving on by that point, but I just wanted to give our marriage one more chance. I have a profile up on match.com and have started talking to other ladies. Still at that point I would rather work on the marriage and maybe even reconcile eventually. She has a difficult time making a decision and sticking with it, however I'm taking this as "her final answer" (as Regis used to say.) We will always have a connection between us because we have 4 wonderful kids together. However that will be a lot less than obviously during the marriage. I think she's having a bit of a shock that I no longer respond to her beck and call.

I would like to thank my good friend, she knows who she is, for iming with me on facebook.com the other day. I was really feeling down about the marriage ending. However she also had a relationship end that day, we were able to talk. That helped me feel good. This person is just a friend and that is probably where it will end. But it was good to be able to have some one to relate to through this tough time. I hope to be able to talk to her again soon. I'm also setting up lunch plans with some other friends I haven't seen in a long time. I guess as the old saying says, "When one door closes, another door opens."

This is how I felt before talking to my new friend:

(Yes I know the video sucks and the sound is terrible so here are the lyrics.)

If you've got a picture of your face,
Could you leave it on your way out the door?
I don't care if it's color or black and white.
I just need something to remember you by.

Oh, before my life (went dim), before my life went dim.
Oh, before my life (went dim), before my life went dim.
No one told me the trouble I was in
before my life went dim.

I painted half my face all green.
Don't you know I painted half my face blue.
In hopes of showing you, both sides of me,
both sides of me.
I guess it came down to, don't you love me?
Don't you love me?

Can't this car go any faster?
Can't this car go any faster?
Can't this car go any faster?
Can't this car go, cause I can still see where I am.

Oh, before my life (went dim), before my life went dim.
Oh, before my life (went dim), before my life went dim.
You should've told me the trouble I was in
before my life went dim.

I'm moving on, looking to get the divorce final and then tentatively open up my heart to another lady. I may have more relationships but I only want to have one more marriage. It took me too long to get trained in the first marriage.

I'm moving on and my soon-to-be-ex-wife is accusing me of being cold, I'm not being cold. I'm just mentally moving on. She has been doing that since she told me she wanted a divorce. I had to go through a period of grieving, which I'm still going through, but now I'm starting to move on. (I'm down to only thinking of the ex about 85% of the time.) She's the one that won't let me read her blog and is blocking me on facebook, really who's the one being cold. It's okay that she's doing the things. She has got to do what she has got to do.

Again the ex is not a bad person, in fact she's a very good person. The following lyrics don't necessarily apply to our situation. Again this is how I'm feeling now and I'm sure things will change. Divorce is a big roller coaster with a lot of ups and downs.



I took a drive today
Time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
But I'm not about to give thanks or apologize
I couldn't breathe holdin' me down
Hand on my face kissin' the ground
Enmity gauged united by fear
'Posed to endure what I could not forgive...

I seem to look away
Wounds in the mirror waved
It wasn't my surface most defiled
Head at your feet fool to your crown
Fist on my plate, swallowed it down
Enmity gauged, united by fear
Tried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw things
Clearer
Once you, were in my...Rearview mirror...

I gather speed from you messing with me
Once and for all I'm far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...

Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you...
Rearview mirror

Saw things so much clearer
Once you...oh yeah...

A non-divorce blog is coming tomorrow, I want to tell you about an amazing CD I discovered through some old friends of mine.

themusicaddict