Hello,
With the divorce between my wife coming up soon, I spent a few minutes on match.com looking around. That was a complete waste of time. The pickings are slim. I had cancelled my membership within a couple of hours. I'm reminded again how much I had with Stefanie. I've accepted the end of this marriage is coming up, but that doesn't make it easy. I've decided to just let the Lord guide me to that special person when it's His time. I'm in no hurry as it's going to still take several months to completely heal from this.
I continue to work hard on the things she want me to do and the things I need to do. I don't do those for her, I do those for me and our kids. I received my temple recommend on Tuesday. I continue to exercise and have lost 17 pounds so far. I still am fat, but at least I'm less fat. I'm now down in the 240's, skinnier but don't imagine me in a swimming suit. I went to my first counseling appointment today. She seems like she's going to be able to help me quite a bit. After talking to her for a hour and recreating some of the successes and failures of my life, she thinks she can help me. Her prognosis is to help me "unlearn self-defeating behaviors". (But they've been so effective for me!) I'm finally reading the scriptures, I actually even got of 1st Nephi this time!
I continue to look for jobs and they continue to elude me. If I was a millionaire I wouldn't worry about it, but I'm far from being that. I have a family I need to support and no money to do so. I'll keep on looking hard for a job. I miss my family and kids so much. There's just this big hole in my life and not much to fill it now.
Guys please learn from me: If you have an amazing woman in your life, do everything you can to keep her. Don't take her for granted like I did my beautiful wife. I was thinking tonight, what a dumbass I am.
I completely understand the Cinderella song, "Don't Know What You Got Until It's Gone". (Sorry I'm a child of the 80's.)
I apologize to anyone out there who thinks this is pathetic. It's a real struggle I'm having right now. I'd love to hear any advice you have. Once again this blog is not against my wife, she rules. This entry is more about the regret of losing such a great person. My therapist asked me to describe my wife. I said "she's beautiful, smart, handy, a great mother". My therapist says it seems like you still really like her. Yes Dr. I do!
Enough of my whining and I hear you who are thinking, "Stop being such a wuss and suck it up." It's just nights like this when I'm alone that the sadness comes in. It sucks when a marriage that I thought was going to be eternal isn't.
S, remember I'll always love you. I'll be so jealous when our divorce is final and you start dating. He's going to be a very lucky man.
The following songs are songs I heard while exercising this morning. These songs make me think of my wife. Although the songs remind me of my wife, don't take the lyrics literally for our relationship. It's the idea or thought of the song that remind me of her. I really am going to try and limit my divorce blogs I promise.
"Goodbye My Lover" one of her favorite songs by probably her favorite singer. This is such a damn song, which is appropriate for a song about the end of a relationship.
Another great song by James Blunt "You're Beautiful". Another brutally melancholy song. A song where it almost seems like James is singing specifically about the end of our marriage.
One more from Mr. Blunt, "Goodbye Jimmy".
"You Were Mine" by the Dixie Chicks. Another heartbreaking song. Of all these songs this is probably the lyrics closest to the end of our marriage.
Another amazing song about the loss of a relationship, the James Taylor classic "Fire and Rain".
The Commodores "Still".
Okay let's get just a bit funky. This song is definitely about my wife :)
Here's one more this is just a song I really like, Cascada's "Evacuate The Dancefloor".
the melancholy music addict
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