Hello,
I've been hearing some feedback that I'm saying bad things about my ex-wife. Please in anyway do not take anything I write as negative to her. She's a really good person, I wouldn't be in love with her if she wasn't. The marriage didn't work for her. We are both moving on, I'm hopefully within in a year will be back to whole. I'm in no hurry to meet someone else, I think I will chill for awhile. If the Lord brings someone into my life, I'm not going to turn it down. But at least for awhile I'm not going to seek her out either.
Last night I went to my family's home so I could hang out with my kids. My wife went over to her friend's house because she doesn't want to spend time with me while I'm at her house. She doesn't want to give me or the kids "false hope". I think to myself don't worry I have it figured out that she wants a divorce. She admits to having a wall up in order to keep things separate, she also doesn't change clothes in front of me. I'm sure she keeps that wall up, because she's afraid if I get through she might let me come back again and get hurt again. I assure her I have it figured out this time, read the end of this blog to find out what steps I'm already taking.
I got the kids in bed and then just hung out until she got home about 12:20. I asked her for a hug and she gave me one. It was so nice, I had missed that so much. I still love my wife with all my heart.
Since my beautiful wife didn't get home until late, I was invited to sleep over. She slept in her bed and I slept on the couch, that was okay. I'm trying to be so nice to her that she'll warm up a bit more to me. I asked her about the perceived coldness last night, she says she still has so much anger towards me. I came across our wedding pictures, it was nice to be reminded of one of the best days of my life. I hope my wife still has good memories of that day. She was so beautiful back then, just as she is now. I was wearing some butt ugly glasses back in 1994, that was before she helped me increase my attractiveness quotient. I was sad this binder full of so many happy memories was just left on the floor in our basement like it doesn't mean enough to take care of.
She had to go run errands this morning and I stayed at the house. When she got home I had left the binder of our wedding pictures open to a couple of our wedding pictures. She grabbed it and put it in a better place. She acted like she still has some attachment to those pictures, which made me happy. I was going to take it home with me. With the good care she took care of I left it there. Even if we get divorced I'd still want to keep it.
I miss my kids so much and was glad to see them tonight. My wife received a call this morning, she had to go pick up her little sister. She asked me to stay until she got back, I eagerly agreed. We got our three oldest kids off to school. I kept an eye on our youngest boy and her two nieces.
Stef here's the things I need to work on and the steps I'm already taking. I'll continue to take these steps whether we are married or not. Though if we are not married, it just won't have the same amount of meaning.
1) Spiritual development: I'm taking steps to get back to the temple. Thankfully the main thing holding me back was laziness. Any other issues I have are small. I'm just waiting on my wife to talk to her Bishop and then from there I'll know better what I need to do. I had let myself slack in church attendance, but I'm getting back to where I need to be. I'm reading the scriptures, I made a promise to myself I will read them every day. I've been doing exactly that for about the last 10 days. I'll also honor my Priesthood much more along with insisting on family prayer every night. I will set an exquisite example for my kids
2) My wife's family functions: I'll go to those without any problem and I'll participate. I won't pick fights to get out of going. I'll be as immersed in her family things as I was at her Father's funeral.
3) Getting a good job: I have a temp job lined up and am looking for a full-time job as well. That's what I'm doing in the short term. For the long term my Mom is helping me get some counseling. I'm going to get some kind of vocational counseling in order for the next permanent job I get I can hold on to it as long as I want. I will still probably be switching jobs, but this time I want to be going to better jobs as they become available.
4) Respect: I think I have done pretty well at this, but will continue to work hard to improve.
5) Attraction: I have let myself get fat. However over the last several months I've been exercising. I've only lost 10 pounds so far, but at least I'm going in the right direction. I'm starting to eat better, I ate a banana for a snack yesterday for heck's sake. They just aren't as good as Doritos. I continue to cut down on the amount of Diet Coke I drink. Right now it's almost 1:30 and I haven't had any Coke all day. I've been drinking water and milk so far.
6) Take initiative: I'll be better about seeing what needs to be done and doing it before being asked. I've been doing that when I'm at my family's house. I don't live there any more, but I still feel responsible to help with the kids. Not only homework, but also laundry and washing dishes.
7 & 8) Romance, date night and going to the temple. I've already made the proposal to my wife if she takes me back I'd like to have one date night a week. Then at least once a month we can go to the temple, once I'm able to get my temple recommend. With it being Spring, we can at least go to the temple grounds and walk around now. The temple is one of the most peaceful places in the world.
9) Self-involvement: I can be a little single minded. I have recognized that and am working on it. That's why when I was over at my family's house last night I told my wife she could stay at her friend's house as long as she wanted. I got our kids in bed and had the house calm when she get home. Not only am I going to be less self involved when I'm around her but also with all my family members.
10) Something that combines a lot of the preceding points. I'm sorry Stef I left you lonely in our marriage. I really understand what you are saying as I'm loving with my parents. It's a good place to live, but it's just not the same without you Stef and the kids. I'm usually okay until about 6:00, about then I'm looking forward to that family interaction. About 6:00 I just want to chill with my family. I'm sorry for being self-involved on this, I should have noticed you more when you wanted some companionship. Those lonely times would have been a good time for romance or that 5 extra minutes. I also should have taken more initiative to notice when you were lonely, but also to recognize when you just wanted to be alone.
Other than my Mom's excellent fajita dinner and "Idol", my highlight of the night was moving my car in off the street. Wife and our kids, I desperately need you!
Babe I went to your facebook page and studied up on you some. I'm embarrassed by how much I don't know about you. If you gave me one more chance I'd put all this knowledge to use in my desire to romance, court and hopefully sweep you off your feet.
As my wife and I go through this journey, I'll keep this blog updated. I'm hoping this turns out to be a saving our marriage blog and not a divorce blog.
themusicaddict
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